For those that know me know that Alex "Cheese" Hawke took his own like a little more than a year ago. He was a fellow shop lackey at the Northern Angler Fly Shop (TNA). He had graduated with a finance degree and was working at a bank. Just after tax season, April 28th. It was crushing to hear. I only knew Cheese for about 2 years. We first met at Traverse City's Mens Night. An evening where all of the downtown shops cater to men by staying open late and serving snacks and drinks. It seems as though as the evening grows later the more people show up at TNA. Some people were regulars and fly fished others just roll in for the free drinks. Its a good time.
Cheese was a tall slender kid (early 20's) with dark fluffy hair and a big smile. He was quick to give shit but laughed when he got it. He rode a Kawasaki 250 motor cycle with a Harley Davidson badge. He called it the "Hardly." Fitting. He sat at the end of the bar sipping a PBR chatting, talking about riding his bike cross country. Camping, riding, exploring. When he ended his life that chair sat empty. The conversations continued but it was just a little quieter and less innocent. It was without Cheese.
I find myself thinking about him often. I didn't know him well. But he was still a buddy. I didn't think twice about striking up a convo with him, giving him shit or accepting shit from him. Typical "bud" stuff. I do think what if her were still here what would be different. How would I be different If I knew about his demons. If I would pick anything up from him that I was not comfortable with or any signal that would make me think or respond. I go through in my mind asking myself....What could I have done differently? What could I do to let him know that I cared? What can I do to let him know that tomorrow would be better? Maybe just maybe there was 1 thing, but I don't know. Sometimes when the guys in the shop would laugh or pick on somebody (not even Cheese) he sometimes would have an awkward smile-like he didn't really want to laugh but did anyway. Sometimes when he would have that awkward smile he would just look down at his drink or the floor.
But shit who the hell doesn't look at their drink or the floor or fiddle with their fingers etc it goes on. Fact of the matter
He couldn't shake his demons...and he felt that the only way to silence them was to end his life.
I miss Cheese. He was just a nice, friendly good person. We need more of him.
So, shortly after the TNA's owner, Brian Pitser, put together the "Cheese Cup Warm Water Slam Fly Fishing Tournament." A simple way to raise a few bucks but to get people talking about a subject nobody wants to talk about-SUICIDE. After announcing the Cheese Cup we got several emails from customers talking about their personal demons. Many thanked us for opening the door to start openly talking about depression, manic depression, bi-polar and anxiety. Again. People who I often saw in the shop and nobody would suspect-were now opening up and talking about their issues. It was kind of cathartic to hear this. Letting me know that its okay to hurt and its okay to talk about it.
Our goal for the shop was to raise $3000.00 through registration fees and donations. Well, in the end we raised over $10,000.00
The format for the tourney was teams of 2 could fish anywhere. Ditch, pond, river, lake...wherever. For Carp, pike, bass or bluegill. Or all 4-hence the SLAM. Get all 4 and you win. Year one was about numbers most fish of any category. 2018 was Biggest of the category or the smallest of the category.
We fished, laughed, shared stories, cried. Opened up a little. As a staff we got together after Cheese's service. After a cooler of beers and some shots of windex we all needed Uber to get us home. The entity that brought us all together served as the avenue to help us all recover and heal. Brian, Matt and Annie Timmy and Bonnie, Evan, Ted, Ligman, Lori and I let him go the way he most likely would do the same for us. At the shop, sipping a beer and hanging out with his friends.
I don't know how much the Cheese Cup 2018 raised. I am sure it'll be about the same as last year. All of the money goes to Child and Family Services or Northwest Michigan, 3rd level Crisis Center. they service all of Northern Michigan and as Linda (from the center ) says, "unfortunately its been a busy summer."
My background is in Sports Medicine. I have been practicing Athletic Training since 1991. I have been able to tape, bandage or rehab injuries for nearly 3 decades. Mental health is something that cant be bandaged. It is usually unseen. It doesn't present itself with swelling, or disfigured joints, MRI'd or x-rayed. But it can be diagnosed and it can be treated-you just have to ask to have somebody take a look.
Cheese, though I didn't know you for a long time I knew you enough to share laughs and stories. And that means a lot to me.
Rest well my friend. Pain free and demon free.
If you are depressed...anxious....or having suicidal thoughts please don't hesitate to call.
Third Level (24 hours):
(231) 922-4800 or
(800) 442-7315
(231) 480-0292 (text)
info@thirdlevel.org
3785 Veterans Drive
Traverse City, MI 49684
#cheese #cheesecup2018 #thenorthernangler #suicide #suicideawareness #help
Cheese was a tall slender kid (early 20's) with dark fluffy hair and a big smile. He was quick to give shit but laughed when he got it. He rode a Kawasaki 250 motor cycle with a Harley Davidson badge. He called it the "Hardly." Fitting. He sat at the end of the bar sipping a PBR chatting, talking about riding his bike cross country. Camping, riding, exploring. When he ended his life that chair sat empty. The conversations continued but it was just a little quieter and less innocent. It was without Cheese.
I find myself thinking about him often. I didn't know him well. But he was still a buddy. I didn't think twice about striking up a convo with him, giving him shit or accepting shit from him. Typical "bud" stuff. I do think what if her were still here what would be different. How would I be different If I knew about his demons. If I would pick anything up from him that I was not comfortable with or any signal that would make me think or respond. I go through in my mind asking myself....What could I have done differently? What could I do to let him know that I cared? What can I do to let him know that tomorrow would be better? Maybe just maybe there was 1 thing, but I don't know. Sometimes when the guys in the shop would laugh or pick on somebody (not even Cheese) he sometimes would have an awkward smile-like he didn't really want to laugh but did anyway. Sometimes when he would have that awkward smile he would just look down at his drink or the floor.
But shit who the hell doesn't look at their drink or the floor or fiddle with their fingers etc it goes on. Fact of the matter
He couldn't shake his demons...and he felt that the only way to silence them was to end his life.
I miss Cheese. He was just a nice, friendly good person. We need more of him.
So, shortly after the TNA's owner, Brian Pitser, put together the "Cheese Cup Warm Water Slam Fly Fishing Tournament." A simple way to raise a few bucks but to get people talking about a subject nobody wants to talk about-SUICIDE. After announcing the Cheese Cup we got several emails from customers talking about their personal demons. Many thanked us for opening the door to start openly talking about depression, manic depression, bi-polar and anxiety. Again. People who I often saw in the shop and nobody would suspect-were now opening up and talking about their issues. It was kind of cathartic to hear this. Letting me know that its okay to hurt and its okay to talk about it.
Our goal for the shop was to raise $3000.00 through registration fees and donations. Well, in the end we raised over $10,000.00
The format for the tourney was teams of 2 could fish anywhere. Ditch, pond, river, lake...wherever. For Carp, pike, bass or bluegill. Or all 4-hence the SLAM. Get all 4 and you win. Year one was about numbers most fish of any category. 2018 was Biggest of the category or the smallest of the category.
We fished, laughed, shared stories, cried. Opened up a little. As a staff we got together after Cheese's service. After a cooler of beers and some shots of windex we all needed Uber to get us home. The entity that brought us all together served as the avenue to help us all recover and heal. Brian, Matt and Annie Timmy and Bonnie, Evan, Ted, Ligman, Lori and I let him go the way he most likely would do the same for us. At the shop, sipping a beer and hanging out with his friends.
I don't know how much the Cheese Cup 2018 raised. I am sure it'll be about the same as last year. All of the money goes to Child and Family Services or Northwest Michigan, 3rd level Crisis Center. they service all of Northern Michigan and as Linda (from the center ) says, "unfortunately its been a busy summer."
My background is in Sports Medicine. I have been practicing Athletic Training since 1991. I have been able to tape, bandage or rehab injuries for nearly 3 decades. Mental health is something that cant be bandaged. It is usually unseen. It doesn't present itself with swelling, or disfigured joints, MRI'd or x-rayed. But it can be diagnosed and it can be treated-you just have to ask to have somebody take a look.
Cheese, though I didn't know you for a long time I knew you enough to share laughs and stories. And that means a lot to me.
Rest well my friend. Pain free and demon free.
If you are depressed...anxious....or having suicidal thoughts please don't hesitate to call.
Third Level (24 hours):
(231) 922-4800 or
(800) 442-7315
(231) 480-0292 (text)
info@thirdlevel.org
3785 Veterans Drive
Traverse City, MI 49684
#cheese #cheesecup2018 #thenorthernangler #suicide #suicideawareness #help
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